By: James Po
"BUSH WINS ELECTION, WORLD MOURNS AT INTERNATIONAL CRISIS, UNITED STATES SAYS: 'HOLY COW, WE'RE SCREWED' "
"BUSH WINS! ALIEN UFOS SEEN RETURNING BACK TO THEIR HOME PLANET IN DISGUST!"
"CLINTON REFUSES TO INAUGARATE BUSH INTO PRESIDENCY, BUSH CLAIMS COWARDICE ON CLINTON'S PART!"
"BUSH SEEN HIDING BEHIND CARDBOARD BOX FOR SEVERAL HOURS AFTER SEEING RAT CROSSING THE SIDEWALK!"
"BUSH CLAIMS SELF-INAUGARATION, AMERICAN POPULOUS OUTRAGED!"
"BUSH'S MOTORCADE MOBBED BEYOND REPAIR DURING DAILY COMMUTE TO CAPITOL HILL, CROWDS CHANT: 'DOWN WITH BUSH!'"
"BUSH STONED AND BOOED OUT OF CONGRESSIONAL CONVENTION! BIPARTISAN MOVEMENT TO OVERTHROW BUSH BEGINS!"
"RIGHT WING EXTREMISTS TRAGICALLY KILLED IN CAR BOMB, BUSH VOWS REVENGE!"
"ANGRY PARTISAN CROWDS CAMP OUTSIDE OF WHITE HOUSE, BUSH CALLS FOR NATIONAL GUARD, BUT NATIONAL GUARD SAYS: 'F**K YOU.' "
"BUSH ATTEMPTS TO DELIVER SPEECH TO QUELL CROWD, RECIEVES SEVERAL RIFLE SHOTS, ESCAPES IN TIME!"
"WHITE HOUSE AND CAPITOL HILL STORMED BY HIGHLY COORDINATED PARTISAN OFFENSIVE ASSAULT, BUSH SAYS: 'HOLY F**K!' AND BAILS OUT! "
"DESPERATE TEXAS GOVERNER FLEES NORTH TO CANADA! CANADIANS REFUSE TO GRANT SANCTUARY!"
"GEORGE BUSH SENIOR MAKES LAST DITCH EFFORT TO RALLY SUPPORT FOR HIS SON! SENIOR IS MOBBED AND NEVER SEEN FROM AGAIN!"
